Most people that I know would tell you they believe in one love. A lot of people I know also wonder about their soul mate & twin flame , or some are looking for Mr Right the Prince charming. Me? I always thought I was the ever faithful , loyal to a fault one man woman.
when did this change? And Why? Well the man I am married to had two poly amorous relationships when he was in his early 20's. I did not find this out until after our marriage. Actually My high Priestess & dear friend was the one he confided it to .
I remember freaking out!! I mean how could a man who had poly amorous relationships be ok with having just one wife & a monogamous marriage?!?! I had serious panic attacks. My X husband had cheated on me twice and that in n of it's own self had made me feel Not enough & not good enough. Knowing all that my current husband had done before he ever met me was making my head spin.
My husband assured me that I was enough for him, that although he had been poly that he was ready to settle down & be monogamous, and that his love & loyalty was only to me. there was a "But" though...and this but perplexed me. He had told me IF I ever found someone I was comfortable with that fit into our lives that he felt it was my time to know n feel what it was like to feel so loved.
I myself never saw this happening , because it overwhelmed me. Well as the saying goes "Never say Never"
In our marriage my husband was fine with me having male friends on the computer, he wasn't the jealous type . While I had some male friends , seriously none of them was worthy or even qualified in my head as potentials for a relationship. For me anyone who entered into our life would have to care about my marriage , was going to have to realize they would never break my husband n I apart. they were gonna have to respect and be friends with my husband. No man would ever be able to do this....or would they??
Two years after my husband & I had our son I met a man on line, we began talking. He was a flirtatious soul but intelligent, witty & more so he was also Wiccan. We had some very amazing conversations . What we found between one another is a very treasured friendship. there were not many things he & I could not speak upon. From the moment I met him he was like family to my soul, familiar & kindred & amazingly comfortable.
I dubbed him my Wonder Twin. for near a whole year I thought of him like family. Yes there was flirtatious chemistry, but he had other online female interests & both of us needed friendship more then anything else.
My husband became friends with him though nothing like I was. As time went on though things began changing... the friendship began taking interesting turns .Where there was a profound friendship there began a pulling. I remember how it felt like a magnet pulling, and I fought it with every thing I had. I was not going to ruin my best friendship
I convinced myself that I was dreaming, having some sort of delutions. Certainly he would laugh if I told him what I was feeling. My husband though urged me to speak to my dear friend. It was odd & yet funny how I decided to handle my paranoia , I ended up writing a short story trying to weigh things out. I felt so sure he sould laugh at me & ask me what was I thinking and that he had way too much on his plate to think about getting involved with me....
What threw me was....He didn't do this. The man I felt was gonna laugh at me, pretty much opened his arms & pulled me in. I believe I felt speechless & like I was dreaming. The man I had been so afraid to tell that I had began falling in love with , basically was telling me he was having feeling about me as well . Our feelings were similar though possibly not identical but...we both had felt a pull.
What this turned into still to this day I must pinch myself over. My dearest male friend became my lover. Even to write this now I find myself shaking my head yet smiling , for I really would not have imagined this would be my life.
He & I met in March of 2011 when he came to stay with me & my family for 10 days....then he returned to Colorado where he lived, we continued to keep in touch.
Before he left he put an idea into my husband n my head.....moving
It did not take my husband as long as me to fully decide & after I had done some research on many things it was official we would be moving in 2012
At the end of June he returned again for a much longer stay ...a whole month, and we learned a great many things about one another..which would one day serve us well
I have a twice in a life time, at the same time. Two men who respect one another & have become very close friends, Love me. Not many get this in a life time, not all would dare to even try having this kind of a relationship for the fears of what could happen. My husband has told me his relationships were NOT like this one is. The relationship We have is Bonded we have known one another for 2 years.
I will not tell you there are never concerns or that we do not have problems from time to time as any relationship does...but communication has helped us & knowing there is love. My friend & lover has no title really that fit all that he is to me. He is my husband's dearest friend , like a brother & my son's Godfather....but for me no word antiquity describe all that he is. He is family though & I do love him as a life mate, I cherish all that he brings into my life...and to him & my husband I am loyal, I have no wanting for another & my heart is more full then I could ever have imagined
These men are my Life mates, their abiding friendship & love mean the world to me. they both complete parts of me as I do them, with them both I feel a great since of calm & completeness, with both of them I feel I have come home. they are supportive of who I am & they are both for my best as I am for them. There is far more to it then the mere sexual aspect. We are family & I am indeed blessed
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Preparing to Release Into Peace
Last night I watched a movie I could watch every single day & relate to. Eat,Pray, Love with Julia Roberts continues to speak to me. Maybe some would think it odd to have a movie become a guru of a sort...but seriously this is what has happened.
I also think of my blogs and how they are becoming a therapeutic voice and outlet for me. They are helping me really take a look at things, deal with them , think about how I want to process them, what I want to do next etc...
If anything I am going through can help anyone..well I am exposing myself to degrees I am comfortable with,as I am comfortable with
them.
Up to date I have spoke upon my first marriage, abuse, losing sight of who I was, a divorce, I have spoken of my depressions & how my middle son was affected it &what he took from everything & allowed to destroy our relationship. I have owned my part in it all , I have spoke upon a brother & change & distance and grieving for things that just can not be at this time, I have spoke on a miscarriage of loss etc, and of a healing process & also of pieces of my life I still have yet to finish putting together ...
Every bit of this is Me and I have been facing a lot. Between February 2012 & March 2012 I will be making a move....I want to release this heavy baggage that I have been carrying. I am standing in front of mirrors...hell I am standing underneath microscopes, looking at every thing . Goddess the flaws you notice when they are magnified in front of your face.
I don't hate myself for them though, as I once did. Again they are a part of me. Going through everything has allowed me to come to this very moment . I am strong & every I try and find the courage to continue taking more steps to growth.
I want to let go of things so that I may move on, forward into my future...with hope. If I continue to cling to the past it will not just forever haunt me, but it will hold me back as well. I do not deserve to have my future be anything but the very best that it can be.
Hope for my future is what keeps me motivated.
Also though I know this will make me not just a better person for me but it will continue to also make me a better person for those around me and those that love me.
so I think the best title for many of my blogs is Release into Peace for this is what I am striving for. It is looking , owning forgiving and learning to move forward.
Lately my meditations come on the Astral...I find peace & tranquility a lot of times there. I have no idea why it is easier to shut my mind down there, I hope one day I will learn to master that on this plane as well though.
I surround myself in love & light every day . I do my best to shine it where ever I need it
I am manifesting the best light & I am looking forward to this move
bless Be
~IndigoSky
I also think of my blogs and how they are becoming a therapeutic voice and outlet for me. They are helping me really take a look at things, deal with them , think about how I want to process them, what I want to do next etc...
If anything I am going through can help anyone..well I am exposing myself to degrees I am comfortable with,as I am comfortable with
them.
Up to date I have spoke upon my first marriage, abuse, losing sight of who I was, a divorce, I have spoken of my depressions & how my middle son was affected it &what he took from everything & allowed to destroy our relationship. I have owned my part in it all , I have spoke upon a brother & change & distance and grieving for things that just can not be at this time, I have spoke on a miscarriage of loss etc, and of a healing process & also of pieces of my life I still have yet to finish putting together ...
Every bit of this is Me and I have been facing a lot. Between February 2012 & March 2012 I will be making a move....I want to release this heavy baggage that I have been carrying. I am standing in front of mirrors...hell I am standing underneath microscopes, looking at every thing . Goddess the flaws you notice when they are magnified in front of your face.
I don't hate myself for them though, as I once did. Again they are a part of me. Going through everything has allowed me to come to this very moment . I am strong & every I try and find the courage to continue taking more steps to growth.
I want to let go of things so that I may move on, forward into my future...with hope. If I continue to cling to the past it will not just forever haunt me, but it will hold me back as well. I do not deserve to have my future be anything but the very best that it can be.
Hope for my future is what keeps me motivated.
Also though I know this will make me not just a better person for me but it will continue to also make me a better person for those around me and those that love me.
so I think the best title for many of my blogs is Release into Peace for this is what I am striving for. It is looking , owning forgiving and learning to move forward.
Lately my meditations come on the Astral...I find peace & tranquility a lot of times there. I have no idea why it is easier to shut my mind down there, I hope one day I will learn to master that on this plane as well though.
I surround myself in love & light every day . I do my best to shine it where ever I need it
I am manifesting the best light & I am looking forward to this move
bless Be
~IndigoSky
Monday, June 6, 2011
Mapping things out & Trusting in Fait as well
Are you the kind of person that likes to know path well before you walk upon it?Do you need things mapped out ahead of time? Want to see every curve & angle of the road and what is coming up around the bend?
OR are you the kind of person who lives for adventure? who has blind trust that all will be as it should? Who takes chances etc....
I am both of these. I have walked through many things unknowing the dangers. But there is something that should be said for blind trust in Spirit.
I watched Eat Pray Love about a couple months after the Colorado move had been placed in my head. I had researched and done my best to know there was in fact a direction being shown to me to take.While this was thought out in many ways....there was also an essence of blind trust.
In the movie Eat Pray Love this woman played by Julia Roberts learns in the end to lose balance for love is also a way of being balanced, because life is about taking chances and when the heart is pulled Spirit wants you to listen. I thought about this a lot as moving from Washington to Colorado was not a small move.
What was I moving for? Well a kindred soul whom I love very much, who had over the years become a part of my family ...he had opened both Chris & I up to this move. It was huge, in the beginning it made my head swim, and I found myself so concerned what if something happened that broke the balance of all that we were.
Through watching that Movie I was given another view point at how to look at this.
In this movie this woman remembers who she use to be, that she use to eat up life and live life. I needed to do this again. to feel the wind blowing against my face, to feel the sunlight and the moonlight....to find another part of my soul...one that was no longer to be found where I was living now.
Before the movie I had decided that moving to Pueblo would be good for a few reasons....one being Chris's family would be in driving distance and it would give us all the opportunity to get to know some of them. I looked up tons of things from the cost of living, to medical,where there were mommy groups, Wiccan groups, Home Schooling groups. Our kindred familiar's sister was a speech therapist & I felt good knowing even if she would not work with my youngest that surely she could help me with finding someone who could.
Through blogging I began to look at some very serious things that had plagued me. Things that hurt me deep that I needed so badly to find peace with before moving on. One was my middle son and the other a brother. I would have to face feelings on these things, to heal the wounds within me and be free to move into the next phase of my life.
so this is what I set out to do. I looked at somethings about myself that were not pleasant. Times in my life when I had allowed things to become unraveled, times when I sunk low and made mistakes. It's very humbling to look backwards. You can not change the past...but it can remind you more solidly what you do want to continue striving for & what you need to release. I feel very at peace knowing what has happened has always been for the lessons of my life. That each and every person who walks upon my path is here to teach me something. It may hurt tremendously or I might get it right away & smile and say "Ahh that's it, it makes since" but, either way it is lessons.
I have come to realize in life to hold onto things too tightly can bring its own kind of pain, if these things need to be free....fighting to hold them will only bring more grief. through the struggle I will cut by the thorns. So one of the lessons I will leave with is Letting Go. as a Madonna song goes "Theres No greater Power then the Power Of Goodbye" well when the goodbye is needed to be said.
Through our memories we will have what we need, but to create new memories one can not hold onto the past. So I open my heart and release. things may circle round or they may never circle...it is not a time to think upon waiting it is just sighing into the wind blowing letting go, and feeling peace
I want to embrace the possibilities Pueblo Colorado may have for me. To take in all the new experiences that this place will have to offer not just me but my family as well .
Also I am not going to the unknown alone. There is love down there, and open arms that will great me.
So we are planning this move. Towards the end of this month our kindred is coming to help. He & I will be going through the storage shed, All of us will be deciding what things we need to throw away & what things need to be kept. It will be taking things to my oldest son's house for he & his family, it will also be packing things we will not be using ...getting ready & planning....but still I am ready to take chances to enjoy life for what it brings me....
We will work hard and I know we will play as well. This summer holds camping trips and many adventures for all of us. I am truly going to look at the rest of my time here as something to make the most of and enjoy my family & friends before we leave
Bless Be
~IndigoSky
OR are you the kind of person who lives for adventure? who has blind trust that all will be as it should? Who takes chances etc....
I am both of these. I have walked through many things unknowing the dangers. But there is something that should be said for blind trust in Spirit.
I watched Eat Pray Love about a couple months after the Colorado move had been placed in my head. I had researched and done my best to know there was in fact a direction being shown to me to take.While this was thought out in many ways....there was also an essence of blind trust.
In the movie Eat Pray Love this woman played by Julia Roberts learns in the end to lose balance for love is also a way of being balanced, because life is about taking chances and when the heart is pulled Spirit wants you to listen. I thought about this a lot as moving from Washington to Colorado was not a small move.
What was I moving for? Well a kindred soul whom I love very much, who had over the years become a part of my family ...he had opened both Chris & I up to this move. It was huge, in the beginning it made my head swim, and I found myself so concerned what if something happened that broke the balance of all that we were.
Through watching that Movie I was given another view point at how to look at this.
In this movie this woman remembers who she use to be, that she use to eat up life and live life. I needed to do this again. to feel the wind blowing against my face, to feel the sunlight and the moonlight....to find another part of my soul...one that was no longer to be found where I was living now.
Before the movie I had decided that moving to Pueblo would be good for a few reasons....one being Chris's family would be in driving distance and it would give us all the opportunity to get to know some of them. I looked up tons of things from the cost of living, to medical,where there were mommy groups, Wiccan groups, Home Schooling groups. Our kindred familiar's sister was a speech therapist & I felt good knowing even if she would not work with my youngest that surely she could help me with finding someone who could.
Through blogging I began to look at some very serious things that had plagued me. Things that hurt me deep that I needed so badly to find peace with before moving on. One was my middle son and the other a brother. I would have to face feelings on these things, to heal the wounds within me and be free to move into the next phase of my life.
so this is what I set out to do. I looked at somethings about myself that were not pleasant. Times in my life when I had allowed things to become unraveled, times when I sunk low and made mistakes. It's very humbling to look backwards. You can not change the past...but it can remind you more solidly what you do want to continue striving for & what you need to release. I feel very at peace knowing what has happened has always been for the lessons of my life. That each and every person who walks upon my path is here to teach me something. It may hurt tremendously or I might get it right away & smile and say "Ahh that's it, it makes since" but, either way it is lessons.
I have come to realize in life to hold onto things too tightly can bring its own kind of pain, if these things need to be free....fighting to hold them will only bring more grief. through the struggle I will cut by the thorns. So one of the lessons I will leave with is Letting Go. as a Madonna song goes "Theres No greater Power then the Power Of Goodbye" well when the goodbye is needed to be said.
Through our memories we will have what we need, but to create new memories one can not hold onto the past. So I open my heart and release. things may circle round or they may never circle...it is not a time to think upon waiting it is just sighing into the wind blowing letting go, and feeling peace
I want to embrace the possibilities Pueblo Colorado may have for me. To take in all the new experiences that this place will have to offer not just me but my family as well .
Also I am not going to the unknown alone. There is love down there, and open arms that will great me.
So we are planning this move. Towards the end of this month our kindred is coming to help. He & I will be going through the storage shed, All of us will be deciding what things we need to throw away & what things need to be kept. It will be taking things to my oldest son's house for he & his family, it will also be packing things we will not be using ...getting ready & planning....but still I am ready to take chances to enjoy life for what it brings me....
We will work hard and I know we will play as well. This summer holds camping trips and many adventures for all of us. I am truly going to look at the rest of my time here as something to make the most of and enjoy my family & friends before we leave
Bless Be
~IndigoSky
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Pieces of a Puzzle
All of life is a magnificent puzzle. There are puzzles within puzzles as we live in such a dimensional world , and we are forever piecing things together things to see new pictures & get new perspectives on things.
I have three sisters & two brothers, but I only grew up with one of my sisters and one of my brothers.
Like others I was a part of a divorced family. I didn't realize this until I was about 4 though. I had always felt the man who raised me was my father. Still this led into another family. My biological father had a son from his first marriage and then later had two daughters with a new wife.
I have met them all and have had time with them speckled in my life. I remember meeting my youngest brother and seeing him perhaps three times before we became adults. My youngest sisters I saw more often & formed relationships when ever we were close together .
I was raised with my sister. When I was one she began dating the man I will forever call my Dad & father as he raised me & loved me as his own. When I was 8 1/2 my Mom & Dad had a son & this was the brother I grew up with.
We are all grown up now,and the sister & brother who I grew up with live in the city next to mine. We talk & see one another from time to time. I am closer to my oldest sister so I see her far more often, but still this is where the outer family lives.
On Face Book of all places I found my youngest brother. I remember laughing because it was like we found one another & were bonding over farmville of all things. It sounded like something any talk show host would have laughed about as well.
I also found my younger sisters there as well and began communicating.
These people , all of them are a part of me.I am grateful for finding my other siblings and hope we can become closer.
Finding parts and putting other pieces of my life is bringing me not just more joy but, also peace & understanding.
It is helping me understand things better, put things into a clearer perspective .
I am getting ready for another shift in my life & trying to clear away some old things, make peace with what things that I can even if it is an inner healing and embrace the many things within my life as well.
I am thankful for my life, for things that I am learning & the ways that I am growing.
Bless Be
~IndigoSky
I have three sisters & two brothers, but I only grew up with one of my sisters and one of my brothers.
Like others I was a part of a divorced family. I didn't realize this until I was about 4 though. I had always felt the man who raised me was my father. Still this led into another family. My biological father had a son from his first marriage and then later had two daughters with a new wife.
I have met them all and have had time with them speckled in my life. I remember meeting my youngest brother and seeing him perhaps three times before we became adults. My youngest sisters I saw more often & formed relationships when ever we were close together .
I was raised with my sister. When I was one she began dating the man I will forever call my Dad & father as he raised me & loved me as his own. When I was 8 1/2 my Mom & Dad had a son & this was the brother I grew up with.
We are all grown up now,and the sister & brother who I grew up with live in the city next to mine. We talk & see one another from time to time. I am closer to my oldest sister so I see her far more often, but still this is where the outer family lives.
On Face Book of all places I found my youngest brother. I remember laughing because it was like we found one another & were bonding over farmville of all things. It sounded like something any talk show host would have laughed about as well.
I also found my younger sisters there as well and began communicating.
These people , all of them are a part of me.I am grateful for finding my other siblings and hope we can become closer.
Finding parts and putting other pieces of my life is bringing me not just more joy but, also peace & understanding.
It is helping me understand things better, put things into a clearer perspective .
I am getting ready for another shift in my life & trying to clear away some old things, make peace with what things that I can even if it is an inner healing and embrace the many things within my life as well.
I am thankful for my life, for things that I am learning & the ways that I am growing.
Bless Be
~IndigoSky
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Embrace Your Time, Do Not Wish It Away
Never measure your life
So many of us mark off the calendar days, we watch the clock ticking off the hours, minutes ,seconds. We learn to fear age...it is suppose to strip us of our youth.
But let's take it into a different perspective. Firstly soul is ageless, and second the human eyes some times forget to focus on the most important things.
They say beauty lies within us. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Break it down and sit with it a moment. what is your definition of beauty? Every one sees beauty a different ways. Strip down to your cellular level, down to your very soul .....what are you? What people are around you? what do they feel off of you?
The light that we shine is felt not seen with the human eye always. I have learned a great many things and still have much I will continue to learn.....I will never be finished learning and I am so very thankful for this.
To me everything I learn is like a present I unwrap. No not everything I learn do I get to learn in pleasant happy ways, but still when I look back, I realize I am wiser for having walked through the fire n trials I have.....yes some lessons are learned with joy .
What has gotten me to ponder upon all of this is the need to look at my reflection. It is taking time to see that even though I am in my mid 40's that there is still life to be lived.
Still reasons not to count the minutes of my life but the moments. The magnificence that life is there is no measure for it.
In learning to open myself to bigger things, and to take chances....this is positive No one grows from shutting them self into a closet.and submerging into darkness. Life is about taking chances, expanding your horizons. It is about dreaming and setting goals. Right now I am on the verge of discovering more about myself every day and I am not done living:)
Bless Be
~IndigoSky
So many of us mark off the calendar days, we watch the clock ticking off the hours, minutes ,seconds. We learn to fear age...it is suppose to strip us of our youth.
But let's take it into a different perspective. Firstly soul is ageless, and second the human eyes some times forget to focus on the most important things.
They say beauty lies within us. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Break it down and sit with it a moment. what is your definition of beauty? Every one sees beauty a different ways. Strip down to your cellular level, down to your very soul .....what are you? What people are around you? what do they feel off of you?
The light that we shine is felt not seen with the human eye always. I have learned a great many things and still have much I will continue to learn.....I will never be finished learning and I am so very thankful for this.
To me everything I learn is like a present I unwrap. No not everything I learn do I get to learn in pleasant happy ways, but still when I look back, I realize I am wiser for having walked through the fire n trials I have.....yes some lessons are learned with joy .
What has gotten me to ponder upon all of this is the need to look at my reflection. It is taking time to see that even though I am in my mid 40's that there is still life to be lived.
Still reasons not to count the minutes of my life but the moments. The magnificence that life is there is no measure for it.
In learning to open myself to bigger things, and to take chances....this is positive No one grows from shutting them self into a closet.and submerging into darkness. Life is about taking chances, expanding your horizons. It is about dreaming and setting goals. Right now I am on the verge of discovering more about myself every day and I am not done living:)
Bless Be
~IndigoSky
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The Sound of Silence
It is said that silence speaks the wisest of words. I have contemplated these words and yet have always found myself perplexed when it comes to a family member.
Within his silence I have always tried to decipher what he is trying to say. I know that he loves me, but a part of me wonders how. Do we just love family members because they are family? OR do we love them for the memories we have of them? the relationship that we have with them presently or......what?
The brother I grew up with , he is an amazing song writer & singer. He is talented with salt water fish & tank set ups. He is a great skateboarder, Artist, writer, animal lover etc... I do admire all that I know of him. I just wish I knew more of him because he & I are nowhere near as close as we were when he was little
He is a quiet man, who keeps to himself, who has in all actuality adopted his cousins as his kin & has lost sight of his sisters. We are older then him , me by 8 1/2 years & our oldest sister 10 years.
Now while I can tell you of the adorable blond dare devil child my brother was, the Bee catcher ( in baggys that he would hand to me laughing) and the frog & turtle catcher. This kid use to be so crafty about making money . Selling animals he went out in the swampy pond & caught with his bare hands. He was also the skateboard King and made a half pipe that sat in our yard under the kitchen window. I remember playing super hero's with him & some of the neighbor kids. Dawning on a cape I was wonder woman & he was Spider Man.
I also remember singing with him in his later teen years (when I would get home on leave with my first husband who was in the military at that time) while he played the guitar to Metalica's "Nothing Else Matters" or one of the many Simon & Garfunkle songs.
As an adult my memories & knowing him have faded. this did not happen out of choice for me....it happened by his choice. I know a lot of things about him through my mother. Our Mother is kind of the go between person for info as she knows things about all of us.
I have reached out to him many times in my adult life....My brother always has other things to do besides be close to our main family ...there is always a project or work that needs to be done and that is far more important then us. I have wondered if he doesn't open his eyes if one day we will be gone and there will be no more time to try and get to know us and all that will be left are memories of childhood.Its like that song the cats in the Cradle.
yes I know he remembers times when my life was insane, when my sisters life was insane.We both have children, he has none. We have been divorced and only recently has he had the divorce thing in common with us. When things were happening in my sister & my lives we were too emotional , we never saw him so we talked too much . I feel on many levels he saw us as chaotic & poisonous and he retreated for what he felt his own sanity and survival into his turtle shell. Except as all things do we changed. We are no longer the people he remembered.
for me I do not know how to speak at all to him. At Christmas I am usually distant from him ( except for last Christmas when I snapped & apologized a couple weeks later)
I watch my brother from a distance, just as he watches me. I see him only at Christmas and possibly Thanksgiving....why??? Because this is the only time he gives. I use to call him now n then ...but I stopped. he only calls me in a crisis ...like when I had a miscarriage, or my mother had a stroke...sometimes he will call on my birthday...but other then that really I might as well live in Russia. None of his nieces or nephews knows him or has many memories outside of Christmas or holidays like that.
It is sad. It is another pain I have been healing before my next book in life. I have decided though that he is not ready to know me. I can not force him and I know I have tried. I have had tears and I have snapped in anger at him...
We do not know one another, only what we are told of each other. I have had my time of reaching & now I must leave the ball in his court & not be lured back to wanting to grab it again & throw it back at him thinking he might see it and care about it. Sometimes Love is learning to let go and allow.
My mind , heart & soul have been telling me it is time to move on, to have a chance at a new beginning once again. I know I need this . I will not leave though without facing these pains, looking them in the eye & making peace even if it's only an inner peace that I can make. I love my family , not just my core family but, my outer family as well. I need to find the balance & calm
and to know no matter what happens I am ok. I am learning & growing through every thing.Even in the Sound of Silence I am retaining wisdom
Bless Be
~Indigosky
Within his silence I have always tried to decipher what he is trying to say. I know that he loves me, but a part of me wonders how. Do we just love family members because they are family? OR do we love them for the memories we have of them? the relationship that we have with them presently or......what?
The brother I grew up with , he is an amazing song writer & singer. He is talented with salt water fish & tank set ups. He is a great skateboarder, Artist, writer, animal lover etc... I do admire all that I know of him. I just wish I knew more of him because he & I are nowhere near as close as we were when he was little
He is a quiet man, who keeps to himself, who has in all actuality adopted his cousins as his kin & has lost sight of his sisters. We are older then him , me by 8 1/2 years & our oldest sister 10 years.
Now while I can tell you of the adorable blond dare devil child my brother was, the Bee catcher ( in baggys that he would hand to me laughing) and the frog & turtle catcher. This kid use to be so crafty about making money . Selling animals he went out in the swampy pond & caught with his bare hands. He was also the skateboard King and made a half pipe that sat in our yard under the kitchen window. I remember playing super hero's with him & some of the neighbor kids. Dawning on a cape I was wonder woman & he was Spider Man.
I also remember singing with him in his later teen years (when I would get home on leave with my first husband who was in the military at that time) while he played the guitar to Metalica's "Nothing Else Matters" or one of the many Simon & Garfunkle songs.
As an adult my memories & knowing him have faded. this did not happen out of choice for me....it happened by his choice. I know a lot of things about him through my mother. Our Mother is kind of the go between person for info as she knows things about all of us.
I have reached out to him many times in my adult life....My brother always has other things to do besides be close to our main family ...there is always a project or work that needs to be done and that is far more important then us. I have wondered if he doesn't open his eyes if one day we will be gone and there will be no more time to try and get to know us and all that will be left are memories of childhood.Its like that song the cats in the Cradle.
yes I know he remembers times when my life was insane, when my sisters life was insane.We both have children, he has none. We have been divorced and only recently has he had the divorce thing in common with us. When things were happening in my sister & my lives we were too emotional , we never saw him so we talked too much . I feel on many levels he saw us as chaotic & poisonous and he retreated for what he felt his own sanity and survival into his turtle shell. Except as all things do we changed. We are no longer the people he remembered.
for me I do not know how to speak at all to him. At Christmas I am usually distant from him ( except for last Christmas when I snapped & apologized a couple weeks later)
I watch my brother from a distance, just as he watches me. I see him only at Christmas and possibly Thanksgiving....why??? Because this is the only time he gives. I use to call him now n then ...but I stopped. he only calls me in a crisis ...like when I had a miscarriage, or my mother had a stroke...sometimes he will call on my birthday...but other then that really I might as well live in Russia. None of his nieces or nephews knows him or has many memories outside of Christmas or holidays like that.
It is sad. It is another pain I have been healing before my next book in life. I have decided though that he is not ready to know me. I can not force him and I know I have tried. I have had tears and I have snapped in anger at him...
We do not know one another, only what we are told of each other. I have had my time of reaching & now I must leave the ball in his court & not be lured back to wanting to grab it again & throw it back at him thinking he might see it and care about it. Sometimes Love is learning to let go and allow.
My mind , heart & soul have been telling me it is time to move on, to have a chance at a new beginning once again. I know I need this . I will not leave though without facing these pains, looking them in the eye & making peace even if it's only an inner peace that I can make. I love my family , not just my core family but, my outer family as well. I need to find the balance & calm
and to know no matter what happens I am ok. I am learning & growing through every thing.Even in the Sound of Silence I am retaining wisdom
Bless Be
~Indigosky
The Empty Womb & Broken Hear & The LightThe Fallows After
So many times in life we take risks. We walk through the fire or have the trial of tears to come out on the other side stronger for doing so.
Looking through a journal I am brought to remember the loss of my little one. It was said by many psychic's that she was a girl, and her father and I felt her strongly as such.
Walking through the ashes of my past would mean walking through random things not always in sequence and remembering the place they held in my life and what I had learned.
Lilith-Eve Rhaianna, she was a dream , for so fleeting was my time with her. I remember hearing her little heart beat...surely no humming birds wings had ever beat as fast as her tiny heart fluttered. she was my hope to start a new. I felt with her a new beginning was opening up for me . But within the breath of nearly 4 months she left.
My mourning time felt so alone as not many seemed to understand. some felt that at age 39 surely I was too old to have a child, and this miscarriage was spirits way of telling me my time of being able to bare children was over.
My husband was not amongst these people though, he felt it was just not the right time.
At age 41 after a move to a new place I began writing this journal
This was a dedication of love while the miscarriage had broke my heart...this was my manifesting, my calling the spirit back .
I began journaling to Lilith Eve and within three months I had conceived again. I was nervous and afraid to believe it but , all test confirmed it 100%. I took things so slow and careful.
and soon I began to see my tummy growing with life.
At nearly 8 months we finally found out the sex... I still feel some shame at how my heart ached when I found out we were having a boy.
On the way out of the hospital I stopped in the bathroom to cry. I rub my growing belly talking to it as the tears streamed down my face...."Please, I whispered Please don't grow up like your brother, please don't hate me or be cruel to me I will always try to do my best"
I ever thankful for my friends & loved ones who assured me that this child would never be like my middle son, his genetics would be different & I was a different person.
I can not put into words what it is like to have lost a child through death even IF you never ever got to meet their physical, never got to look into their eyes. The soul feels another soul when it lives within them...no matter if it moves or it you never got to feel it. Again...The soul knows , the heart knows.....
Lilith-Eve made way for her little brother Payden she helped me heal .
When Payden was born streams of golden light filled me, he healed a huge part of me and I am forever grateful he came.
He did not replace his sister, for she holds her own light. He did show me the circle continues. Spirit listens, allows you to heal and then opens a window somewhere to show you there is light.
So at age 42 I got my little one & indeed it is healing still.
Love is precious and Chris & I are Blessed. In live you will know the empty times of wanting of feeling hallow in your heart...you will shed tears and grieve, but will also find the joy and light
After the rain comes the rainbow, I must remember these times to help me find my courage for the next journey
Blessings of Light Upon your Path,
~Indigosky
Looking through a journal I am brought to remember the loss of my little one. It was said by many psychic's that she was a girl, and her father and I felt her strongly as such.
Walking through the ashes of my past would mean walking through random things not always in sequence and remembering the place they held in my life and what I had learned.
Lilith-Eve Rhaianna, she was a dream , for so fleeting was my time with her. I remember hearing her little heart beat...surely no humming birds wings had ever beat as fast as her tiny heart fluttered. she was my hope to start a new. I felt with her a new beginning was opening up for me . But within the breath of nearly 4 months she left.
My mourning time felt so alone as not many seemed to understand. some felt that at age 39 surely I was too old to have a child, and this miscarriage was spirits way of telling me my time of being able to bare children was over.
My husband was not amongst these people though, he felt it was just not the right time.
At age 41 after a move to a new place I began writing this journal
This was a dedication of love while the miscarriage had broke my heart...this was my manifesting, my calling the spirit back .
I began journaling to Lilith Eve and within three months I had conceived again. I was nervous and afraid to believe it but , all test confirmed it 100%. I took things so slow and careful.
and soon I began to see my tummy growing with life.
At nearly 8 months we finally found out the sex... I still feel some shame at how my heart ached when I found out we were having a boy.
On the way out of the hospital I stopped in the bathroom to cry. I rub my growing belly talking to it as the tears streamed down my face...."Please, I whispered Please don't grow up like your brother, please don't hate me or be cruel to me I will always try to do my best"
I ever thankful for my friends & loved ones who assured me that this child would never be like my middle son, his genetics would be different & I was a different person.
I can not put into words what it is like to have lost a child through death even IF you never ever got to meet their physical, never got to look into their eyes. The soul feels another soul when it lives within them...no matter if it moves or it you never got to feel it. Again...The soul knows , the heart knows.....
Lilith-Eve made way for her little brother Payden she helped me heal .
When Payden was born streams of golden light filled me, he healed a huge part of me and I am forever grateful he came.
He did not replace his sister, for she holds her own light. He did show me the circle continues. Spirit listens, allows you to heal and then opens a window somewhere to show you there is light.
So at age 42 I got my little one & indeed it is healing still.
Love is precious and Chris & I are Blessed. In live you will know the empty times of wanting of feeling hallow in your heart...you will shed tears and grieve, but will also find the joy and light
After the rain comes the rainbow, I must remember these times to help me find my courage for the next journey
Blessings of Light Upon your Path,
~Indigosky
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