Do you ever think "If I only knew now, what I did not know then"?
Goddess how many times within my life I had felt these words heavy upon my heart. There have been so many times in my life, I had wished I had chosen better words, had thought things through, had stop being in such a rush.
Still we can not change things that have happened within our lives, for they are here to help us learn and grow stronger. I ponder them though, nothing to stop me from being a martyr when the pain of not listening to my own inner voice returns to haunt me.
Constant are the "Why's" and the analyzing my reasonings of a time long past, a time I have no control of now. Things I can not rewrite no matter how I wish.
I think of the young woman of my youth who married to young. The overweight teenage girl who longed for love, yet knew not the difference when it stood before her. To her she had waited long enough for Prince Charming to show, and as long as he was handsome with personality and showed her the way out of the maze her life had become....she would fallow him. Surely he knew the way out.
The way out soon became nothing more then a well placed illusion . A long road took her spinning into circles that eventually lead into a dismal dark night of soul. Looking back upon those times were painful enough without having to realize that through it she spent years going in and out of depressions.
A song her heart once sang had become so very lost as had even some of her memory of those times.
"This was me" I say out loud, as warm salty tear drops stream down my face and I cupped both hands over my eyes. The pain of looking back is like shards of blood stained shattered glass.
Walking through that memory is hard enough though without looking into a corner of my life and seeing an empty seat.....
This is the seat of my middle son, who just like his older brother watched his mother fall to her knees in tears many times...had watched his mother intertwine herself into a computer world...then step out to go back to college, get them ready for school, or take them to the doctor, cook them meals and show them love...but to go back again to sorrow and so the pattern became. As teenage came he became harder, he went to live with his father....................he became embittered towards me never forgiving me.
This is the past, and I have to remind myself this as I look at it. Grieving this time is important but, it is time to let go, for it can not be changed. pushing back these visions I take a breath.
These visions of the past must walk through and face. Only in allowing these old wounds to heal can I hope to begin a new. Only through picking up these shards of pain , can I have more hope for putting myself back together to begin a new journey.
Life is constantly learning from the past, taking time to heal and moving on yet again.confronting ones fears of the past brings great peace. Its a process that takes courage and faith..still as I walk through the dirt cleaning away old I feel a fresh start will soon be revealed
Bless Be
~IndigoSky
Friday, May 27, 2011
BefriendingThe Looking Glass
Enter into the time of remembering the magic, of becoming the Alice in wonderland of your own personal creating. Stand in front of the Looking Glass of your own life.
Come closer and do not be afraid, for this is a place to look upon life to dream and create new things.
As adults we feel a need to put our childhood toys away. We chose to convert into a world of logical thinking and we forget the magic of our yesterdays past.
Taking a breath I step up to the guiled golden framed mirror. taking a single finger I wipe a streak of dust, and see just a small piece of myself peering back
This is the mirror of my memories. It holds the monsters and demons as well as the fairies, elves and gnomes. A million stories are wrapped inside of this mirror, waiting on the other side for me.
Taking a heavy sigh of contemplation I reach down to the spray bottle that sits on the floor near this mirror. It is as though it is giving me a choice to wash away the dust or leave.
Knowing that I will continue to stifle my own life if I do not pick up the rag at my feet and clean this mirror, I do what must be done.
The liquid spurts out upon the dust making a hazy print against the glass and I take the rag firmly into hand and begin to wipe. The glass squeaks under my rag as though chirping out it's gratitude.
More and more of me begins to appear in the mirror and soon I am confronting my own self.
Touching the glass I gaze upon myself as I am now. I look deep into the pools of my soft blue eyes. the other hand moves toward my face to trace over my skin. The trials of my life had not left as deep of scars upon my face as it had my heart. Still though I stood unbroken before myself.
Surely there was hope in this vision.
Looking past me though I see the light of my own aura. Soft lavender, flowing into a golden rosey light, finally to move outward into an opalescent hue that seems to twinkle with many colors, as I watch the light around me play with my finger tips.
finally I look past the woman in the mirror staring back at me with a soft smile. My view moves past this , beyond the me within the mirror.
Squinting my eyes to change the light I begin to see people standing behind this woman within the mirror. They are surrounding her , with her .....yet not. the figures stand fairly translucent yet, looking closer I could see features of their faces & outlines of their bodies.
My own outer self sighs looking into the faces of these people...they are my past, yet some the present and others still must be the future.
Suddenly the woman in the mirror reaches her hand out to mine. A sharp gasp escapes my lips,as I can hear my very own voice coming from her, although her lips did not move.
"It is time to befriend your Looking Glass, so that you may walk clearly onto your new path"
My Journey is beginning again. As an Adult I am readying myself not for a new chapter, but for a new book altogether.
I continue to invite you into this time of my life, sit back have a cup of tea while I write the pages for you to read & you join me for the journey
Love & Light
~IndigoSky
Gently I stroked my Auburn hair
Come closer and do not be afraid, for this is a place to look upon life to dream and create new things.
As adults we feel a need to put our childhood toys away. We chose to convert into a world of logical thinking and we forget the magic of our yesterdays past.
Taking a breath I step up to the guiled golden framed mirror. taking a single finger I wipe a streak of dust, and see just a small piece of myself peering back
This is the mirror of my memories. It holds the monsters and demons as well as the fairies, elves and gnomes. A million stories are wrapped inside of this mirror, waiting on the other side for me.
Taking a heavy sigh of contemplation I reach down to the spray bottle that sits on the floor near this mirror. It is as though it is giving me a choice to wash away the dust or leave.
Knowing that I will continue to stifle my own life if I do not pick up the rag at my feet and clean this mirror, I do what must be done.
The liquid spurts out upon the dust making a hazy print against the glass and I take the rag firmly into hand and begin to wipe. The glass squeaks under my rag as though chirping out it's gratitude.
More and more of me begins to appear in the mirror and soon I am confronting my own self.
Touching the glass I gaze upon myself as I am now. I look deep into the pools of my soft blue eyes. the other hand moves toward my face to trace over my skin. The trials of my life had not left as deep of scars upon my face as it had my heart. Still though I stood unbroken before myself.
Surely there was hope in this vision.
Looking past me though I see the light of my own aura. Soft lavender, flowing into a golden rosey light, finally to move outward into an opalescent hue that seems to twinkle with many colors, as I watch the light around me play with my finger tips.
finally I look past the woman in the mirror staring back at me with a soft smile. My view moves past this , beyond the me within the mirror.
Squinting my eyes to change the light I begin to see people standing behind this woman within the mirror. They are surrounding her , with her .....yet not. the figures stand fairly translucent yet, looking closer I could see features of their faces & outlines of their bodies.
My own outer self sighs looking into the faces of these people...they are my past, yet some the present and others still must be the future.
Suddenly the woman in the mirror reaches her hand out to mine. A sharp gasp escapes my lips,as I can hear my very own voice coming from her, although her lips did not move.
"It is time to befriend your Looking Glass, so that you may walk clearly onto your new path"
My Journey is beginning again. As an Adult I am readying myself not for a new chapter, but for a new book altogether.
I continue to invite you into this time of my life, sit back have a cup of tea while I write the pages for you to read & you join me for the journey
Love & Light
~IndigoSky
Gently I stroked my Auburn hair
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