Walking Through The Pains of The Past

 Do you ever  think "If I only knew now, what I did not know then"?
Goddess how many times within my life I had felt these words heavy upon my heart. There have been so many times in my life, I had wished I had chosen better words, had thought things through, had stop being in such a rush.

Still we can not change things that  have happened within our lives, for they are here to help us learn and grow stronger. I ponder them though, nothing to stop me from being a martyr when the pain of not listening to my own inner voice returns to haunt me.

Constant are the "Why's" and the analyzing my reasonings of a time long past, a time I have no control of now. Things I can not rewrite no matter how I wish.

I think of the young woman of my youth who married to young. The  overweight teenage girl who longed for love, yet knew not the difference when it stood before her. To her she had waited long enough for Prince Charming to show, and as long as he was handsome  with personality and showed her the way out of the maze her life had become....she would fallow him. Surely he knew the way out.

 The way out  soon became nothing more then a well placed illusion . A long road took  her spinning  into circles that eventually  lead into a  dismal dark night of soul. Looking back upon those times were painful enough without having to realize that  through it she spent years going in and out of depressions.
A song her heart once sang had become so very lost as had even some of her memory of those times.

"This was me" I say out loud, as warm salty tear drops stream down my face and I cupped both hands  over my eyes. The pain of looking back is like shards of blood stained shattered glass.
Walking through that memory is hard enough though without looking into a corner of my life and seeing an empty seat.....

This is the seat of my middle son, who just like his older brother watched his mother fall to her knees in tears many times...had watched his mother intertwine herself into a computer world...then step out to go back to college,  get them ready for school, or take them to the doctor, cook them meals  and show them love...but to go back again to sorrow and so the pattern became. As teenage came he became harder, he went to live with his father....................he became embittered towards me never forgiving me.

This is the past, and I have to remind myself this as I look at it. Grieving this time is important but, it is time to let go, for it can not be changed. pushing back these visions I take a breath.

These visions of the past  must walk through and face. Only in allowing these old wounds to heal  can I hope to begin a new. Only through picking up these shards of pain , can I have more hope for putting myself back together to begin a new journey.

Life is constantly learning from the past, taking time to heal and moving on yet again.confronting ones fears  of the past brings great peace. Its a process that takes courage and faith..still as I walk through the dirt cleaning away old I feel a fresh start will soon be revealed
       Bless Be
                   ~IndigoSky