The Sound of Silence

It is said that silence speaks the wisest of words. I have contemplated these words and yet have always found myself perplexed when it comes to a family member.

Within his silence I have always tried to decipher what he is trying to say. I know that he loves me, but a part of me wonders how. Do we just love family members because they are family? OR do we love them for the memories we have of them? the relationship that we have with them presently or......what?

The brother I grew up with , he is an amazing song writer & singer. He is talented with salt water fish & tank set ups. He is a great skateboarder, Artist, writer, animal lover etc... I do admire all that I know of him. I just wish I knew more of him because he & I  are nowhere near as close as we were when he was little

He is a quiet man, who keeps to himself, who has in all actuality adopted his cousins as his kin & has lost sight of his sisters. We are older then him , me by  8 1/2 years  & our oldest sister 10 years.

Now while I can tell you of the adorable blond dare devil child my brother was, the Bee catcher ( in baggys that he would hand to me laughing) and the frog & turtle catcher. This kid use to be so crafty about making money . Selling  animals he went out  in the swampy pond & caught with his bare hands. He was also the skateboard King and  made a half pipe that sat in our yard under the kitchen window. I remember playing super hero's with him & some of the neighbor kids. Dawning on a cape I was wonder woman & he was Spider Man.

I also remember singing with him in his later teen years  (when I would get home on leave with my first husband who was in the military at that time) while he played the guitar to Metalica's "Nothing Else Matters" or one of the many Simon & Garfunkle songs.

As an adult  my memories & knowing him have faded. this did not happen out of choice for me....it happened  by his choice. I know  a lot of things about him through my mother. Our Mother is kind of the go between person for info as she knows things about all of us.

I have reached out to him many times in my adult life....My brother always has other things to do besides  be close to  our main family ...there is always a project or work that needs to be done and that is far more important then us. I have wondered if he doesn't open his eyes if one day we will be gone and there will be no more time to try and get to know us and all that will be left are memories of childhood.Its like that song  the cats in the Cradle.

yes I know he remembers times when my life was insane, when my sisters life was insane.We both have children, he has none. We have been divorced and only recently has he had the divorce thing in common with us. When things were happening in my sister & my lives we were too emotional , we never saw him so we talked too much . I feel on many levels he saw us as chaotic & poisonous and he retreated for what he felt his own sanity and survival into his turtle shell. Except as all things do we changed. We are no longer the people he remembered. 

for me I do not know how to speak at all to him. At Christmas I am usually distant from him ( except for last Christmas when I snapped & apologized a couple weeks later) 

I watch my brother from a distance, just as he watches me. I see him only at Christmas and possibly Thanksgiving....why??? Because this is the only time he gives. I use to call him now n then ...but I stopped. he only calls me in a crisis ...like when I had a miscarriage, or my mother had a stroke...sometimes he will call on my birthday...but other then that really I might as well live in Russia.  None of his nieces or nephews knows him or has many memories outside of Christmas or holidays like that.

It is sad. It is another pain I have been healing before my next book in life. I have decided though that he is not ready to know me. I can not force him and I know I have tried. I have had tears and I have snapped in anger at him...
We do not know one another, only what we are told of each other. I have  had my time of reaching & now I must leave the ball in his court & not be lured back to wanting to grab it again & throw it back at him thinking he might see it and care about it. Sometimes Love is learning to let go and allow.

  My mind , heart & soul have been telling me it is time to move on, to have a chance at a new beginning once again. I know I need this . I will not leave though without facing these pains, looking them in the eye & making peace even if it's only an inner peace that I can make. I love my family , not just my core family but, my outer family as well. I need to find the balance & calm 
and to know no matter what happens I am ok. I am learning & growing through every thing.Even in the Sound of Silence I am retaining wisdom
Bless Be
    ~Indigosky