Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Embrace Your Time, Do Not Wish It Away

Never measure your life
So many of us mark off the calendar days, we watch the clock ticking off the hours, minutes ,seconds. We learn to fear age...it is suppose to strip us of our youth.

But let's take it into a different perspective. Firstly soul is ageless, and second the human eyes some times forget to focus on the most important things.

They say beauty lies within us. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Break it down and sit with it a moment. what is your definition of beauty? Every one sees beauty a different ways. Strip down to your cellular level, down to your very soul .....what are you? What people are around you? what do they feel off of you?

The light that we shine is felt not seen with the human eye always. I have learned a great many things and still have much I will continue to learn.....I will never be finished learning and I am so very thankful for this.

To me everything I learn is like a present I unwrap. No not everything I learn do I get to learn in pleasant happy ways, but still when I look back, I realize I am wiser for having walked through the fire n trials I have.....yes some lessons are learned with joy .

What has gotten me to ponder upon all of this is the need to look at my reflection. It is taking time to see that even though I am in my mid 40's that there is still life to be lived.
Still reasons not to count the minutes of my life but the moments. The magnificence that life is there is no measure for it.
 In learning to open myself  to bigger things, and to take chances....this is positive No one grows from shutting them self into a closet.and submerging into darkness. Life is about taking chances, expanding your horizons. It is about dreaming and setting goals. Right now I am on the verge of discovering more about myself  every day and I am not done living:)
Bless Be
        ~IndigoSky

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Sound of Silence

It is said that silence speaks the wisest of words. I have contemplated these words and yet have always found myself perplexed when it comes to a family member.

Within his silence I have always tried to decipher what he is trying to say. I know that he loves me, but a part of me wonders how. Do we just love family members because they are family? OR do we love them for the memories we have of them? the relationship that we have with them presently or......what?

The brother I grew up with , he is an amazing song writer & singer. He is talented with salt water fish & tank set ups. He is a great skateboarder, Artist, writer, animal lover etc... I do admire all that I know of him. I just wish I knew more of him because he & I  are nowhere near as close as we were when he was little

He is a quiet man, who keeps to himself, who has in all actuality adopted his cousins as his kin & has lost sight of his sisters. We are older then him , me by  8 1/2 years  & our oldest sister 10 years.

Now while I can tell you of the adorable blond dare devil child my brother was, the Bee catcher ( in baggys that he would hand to me laughing) and the frog & turtle catcher. This kid use to be so crafty about making money . Selling  animals he went out  in the swampy pond & caught with his bare hands. He was also the skateboard King and  made a half pipe that sat in our yard under the kitchen window. I remember playing super hero's with him & some of the neighbor kids. Dawning on a cape I was wonder woman & he was Spider Man.

I also remember singing with him in his later teen years  (when I would get home on leave with my first husband who was in the military at that time) while he played the guitar to Metalica's "Nothing Else Matters" or one of the many Simon & Garfunkle songs.

As an adult  my memories & knowing him have faded. this did not happen out of choice for me....it happened  by his choice. I know  a lot of things about him through my mother. Our Mother is kind of the go between person for info as she knows things about all of us.

I have reached out to him many times in my adult life....My brother always has other things to do besides  be close to  our main family ...there is always a project or work that needs to be done and that is far more important then us. I have wondered if he doesn't open his eyes if one day we will be gone and there will be no more time to try and get to know us and all that will be left are memories of childhood.Its like that song  the cats in the Cradle.

yes I know he remembers times when my life was insane, when my sisters life was insane.We both have children, he has none. We have been divorced and only recently has he had the divorce thing in common with us. When things were happening in my sister & my lives we were too emotional , we never saw him so we talked too much . I feel on many levels he saw us as chaotic & poisonous and he retreated for what he felt his own sanity and survival into his turtle shell. Except as all things do we changed. We are no longer the people he remembered. 

for me I do not know how to speak at all to him. At Christmas I am usually distant from him ( except for last Christmas when I snapped & apologized a couple weeks later) 

I watch my brother from a distance, just as he watches me. I see him only at Christmas and possibly Thanksgiving....why??? Because this is the only time he gives. I use to call him now n then ...but I stopped. he only calls me in a crisis ...like when I had a miscarriage, or my mother had a stroke...sometimes he will call on my birthday...but other then that really I might as well live in Russia.  None of his nieces or nephews knows him or has many memories outside of Christmas or holidays like that.

It is sad. It is another pain I have been healing before my next book in life. I have decided though that he is not ready to know me. I can not force him and I know I have tried. I have had tears and I have snapped in anger at him...
We do not know one another, only what we are told of each other. I have  had my time of reaching & now I must leave the ball in his court & not be lured back to wanting to grab it again & throw it back at him thinking he might see it and care about it. Sometimes Love is learning to let go and allow.

  My mind , heart & soul have been telling me it is time to move on, to have a chance at a new beginning once again. I know I need this . I will not leave though without facing these pains, looking them in the eye & making peace even if it's only an inner peace that I can make. I love my family , not just my core family but, my outer family as well. I need to find the balance & calm 
and to know no matter what happens I am ok. I am learning & growing through every thing.Even in the Sound of Silence I am retaining wisdom
Bless Be
    ~Indigosky 
 

The Empty Womb & Broken Hear & The LightThe Fallows After

So many times in life we take risks. We walk through the fire or have the trial of tears to come out on the other side stronger for doing so.
Looking through a journal I am brought to remember the loss of my little one. It was said by many psychic's that she was a girl, and her father and I felt her strongly as such.
Walking through the ashes of my past would mean walking through random things not always in sequence and remembering the place they held in my life and what I had learned.

Lilith-Eve Rhaianna, she was a dream , for so fleeting was my time with her. I remember hearing her little heart beat...surely no humming birds wings had ever beat as fast as her tiny heart fluttered. she was my hope to start a new. I felt with her a new beginning was opening up for me . But within the breath of nearly 4 months she left. 

My mourning  time felt so alone as not many seemed to understand. some felt that at age 39 surely I was too old to have a child, and this miscarriage was spirits way of telling me my time  of being able to bare children was  over.
My husband was not amongst these people though, he felt it was just not the right time.

At age 41 after a move to a new place I began writing this journal 
This was a dedication of love  while the miscarriage had broke my heart...this was my manifesting, my calling the spirit back .
I began journaling to Lilith Eve  and within three months I had conceived again. I was nervous and afraid to believe it but , all test confirmed it 100%. I took things so slow and careful.
and soon I began to see my tummy growing with life.
At nearly 8 months we finally found out the sex... I still feel some shame at how my heart ached when I found  out we were having a boy.

On the way out of the hospital I stopped in the bathroom to cry. I rub my growing belly talking to it as the tears streamed down my face...."Please, I whispered Please don't grow up like your brother, please don't hate me or be cruel to me  I will always try to do my best" 
I ever thankful for my friends & loved ones who assured me that this child would never be like my middle son, his genetics would be different &  I was a different person. 

I can not put into words what it is like to have lost a child through death  even IF you never ever got to meet their physical, never got to look into their eyes. The soul feels another soul when it lives within them...no matter if it moves or it  you never got to feel it. Again...The soul knows , the heart knows.....
Lilith-Eve made way for her little brother Payden she helped me heal .

When Payden was born streams of golden light filled me, he  healed a huge part of me and I am forever grateful he came.
He did not replace his sister, for she holds her own light. He did show me the circle continues. Spirit listens, allows you to heal and then opens a window somewhere to show you there is light.
So at age 42 I got my little one & indeed it is healing still. 

Love is precious and Chris & I are Blessed. In live you will know the empty times of wanting of feeling hallow in your heart...you will shed tears and grieve, but will also find the joy and light
After the rain comes the rainbow, I must remember these times to  help me find my courage for the next journey
Blessings of Light Upon your Path,
                                                      ~Indigosky 

Friday, May 27, 2011

Walking Through The Pains of The Past

 Do you ever  think "If I only knew now, what I did not know then"?
Goddess how many times within my life I had felt these words heavy upon my heart. There have been so many times in my life, I had wished I had chosen better words, had thought things through, had stop being in such a rush.

Still we can not change things that  have happened within our lives, for they are here to help us learn and grow stronger. I ponder them though, nothing to stop me from being a martyr when the pain of not listening to my own inner voice returns to haunt me.

Constant are the "Why's" and the analyzing my reasonings of a time long past, a time I have no control of now. Things I can not rewrite no matter how I wish.

I think of the young woman of my youth who married to young. The  overweight teenage girl who longed for love, yet knew not the difference when it stood before her. To her she had waited long enough for Prince Charming to show, and as long as he was handsome  with personality and showed her the way out of the maze her life had become....she would fallow him. Surely he knew the way out.

 The way out  soon became nothing more then a well placed illusion . A long road took  her spinning  into circles that eventually  lead into a  dismal dark night of soul. Looking back upon those times were painful enough without having to realize that  through it she spent years going in and out of depressions.
A song her heart once sang had become so very lost as had even some of her memory of those times.

"This was me" I say out loud, as warm salty tear drops stream down my face and I cupped both hands  over my eyes. The pain of looking back is like shards of blood stained shattered glass.
Walking through that memory is hard enough though without looking into a corner of my life and seeing an empty seat.....

This is the seat of my middle son, who just like his older brother watched his mother fall to her knees in tears many times...had watched his mother intertwine herself into a computer world...then step out to go back to college,  get them ready for school, or take them to the doctor, cook them meals  and show them love...but to go back again to sorrow and so the pattern became. As teenage came he became harder, he went to live with his father....................he became embittered towards me never forgiving me.

This is the past, and I have to remind myself this as I look at it. Grieving this time is important but, it is time to let go, for it can not be changed. pushing back these visions I take a breath.

These visions of the past  must walk through and face. Only in allowing these old wounds to heal  can I hope to begin a new. Only through picking up these shards of pain , can I have more hope for putting myself back together to begin a new journey.

Life is constantly learning from the past, taking time to heal and moving on yet again.confronting ones fears  of the past brings great peace. Its a process that takes courage and faith..still as I walk through the dirt cleaning away old I feel a fresh start will soon be revealed
       Bless Be
                   ~IndigoSky 

 

BefriendingThe Looking Glass

Enter into the time of remembering the magic, of becoming the Alice in wonderland of your own personal creating. Stand in front of the Looking Glass of your own life. 
Come closer and do not be afraid, for this is a place to look upon life  to dream  and create new things.

As adults we feel a need to put our childhood  toys away. We chose to  convert into a world of logical thinking and we forget the magic of our yesterdays past.

Taking a breath I step up to the guiled golden framed mirror. taking a single finger I wipe a streak of dust, and see just a small piece of myself peering back
This is the mirror of my memories. It holds the  monsters and demons as well as the fairies, elves and gnomes. A million stories are wrapped inside of this mirror, waiting on the other side for me.

Taking a heavy sigh of contemplation  I reach down to the spray bottle that sits on the floor near this mirror. It is as though it is giving me a choice to wash away the dust or leave.

Knowing that I will continue to stifle my own life if I do not pick up the rag at my feet  and clean this mirror, I do what must be done. 

The liquid spurts out upon the dust making a hazy print against the glass and I take the rag firmly into hand and begin to wipe. The glass squeaks under my rag as though chirping out it's gratitude.

More and more of me begins to appear in the mirror and soon I am confronting my own self.
Touching the glass I gaze upon myself as I am now. I look deep into the pools of my soft blue eyes. the other hand moves toward my face to trace over my skin. The trials of my life had not left as deep of scars upon my face as it had my heart. Still though I  stood unbroken before myself.
Surely there was hope in this vision.

Looking past me though I see the light of my own aura. Soft lavender, flowing into a golden rosey light, finally to move  outward into an opalescent hue that seems to twinkle with many colors,  as I watch the light around me play with my finger tips.

finally I look past the woman in the mirror staring back at me with a soft smile. My view moves past this , beyond the me within the mirror.
Squinting my eyes to change the light I begin to see people standing behind this woman within the mirror. They are surrounding her , with her .....yet not. the figures stand fairly translucent yet, looking closer I could see features of their faces & outlines of their bodies.

My own outer self  sighs looking into the faces of these people...they are my past, yet some the present and others still must be the future.

Suddenly the woman in the mirror reaches her hand out to mine. A sharp gasp escapes my lips,as  I can hear my very own voice coming from her, although her lips did not move.

"It is time to befriend your Looking Glass, so that you may walk clearly onto your new path"

My Journey is beginning again. As an Adult I am readying myself  not for a new chapter, but for a new book altogether.
I continue to invite you into this time of my life, sit back  have a cup of tea while I write the pages for you to read & you join me for the journey
Love & Light
                   ~IndigoSky 
Gently I stroked my Auburn hair 
 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A New Beginning

Many people seek but, do not find what lies within, because they know not how to gt to the center of within. The illusion of being trapped forever holds  them back. As human beings we get caught in the mind & within emotions, not realizing that it is within the balance  were truth, light & answers reside.

My New Beginning  is in learning to balance & finding my center. This is a profound point to achieve in one's life time.
My New Beginning will be also to start a new, to peal back the layers of all that I am exposing my tender flesh & vulnerabilities. As a Lotus blooms, so shall I . As a Phoenix rises from the ashes , I shall as well. It is a time to look back at the old, embracing the lessons  I have learned. It will be a time to face mirrors & look upon well worn scars. Within my journey I shall cleanse with tears of sorrow & shine forth tears of joy. This shall indeed be a blessed healing within my life

I have walked many lives & I have great  wisdom. Now it is a time of taking what I know & applying it more firmly. It is also a time of readying my soil, so that I may replant myself.
I am in an Ostara moment again within my life.

No matter how old we are, we are constantly learning, growing, and  bettering ourselves. Life, I have always said is about learning to walk in your grace, to stand proud in your wisdom , to honor & respect who you are & shine your light out into the world & beyond

In this New Beginning I  am laying the foundation for further growth. As you walk beside me , or with me you will  see my steps. You will witness my highs & my lows. Through my writings you will I hope find your own balance between your mind & emotions. In my poetry  you will see how things are progressing, my feelings on life & all that is going on around me

Blessings of Love & Light,
                                         ~Indigosky